With My Whole Heart Forever Read online

  Mr. Bennet rolled his eyes. “Your mother is awake early this morning.”

  “We are going to the modiste in Meryton.”

  “Again?”

  Elizabeth sighed. “We must retrieve my new travelling gowns.”

  “Then you may cheer up, Lizzy. You will not disagree over the amount of lace on your gowns this time, for travelling gowns are notoriously plain.”

  Elizabeth smiled. “There is that.”

  “And here.” He took some coin from a drawer and handed it to her. “I will give you some extra pin money so you can visit the bookshop whilst in the village. Find something to take along with you to read during your travels.”

  “Thank you, Papa.” She rose and made her way around the desk to kiss his cheek.

  The clack of heels in the corridor was accompanied by her mother mumbling, “…never to be found when I have need of her! Always wandering about alone — and without a hat. Freckles on my daughter’s nose and cheeks! Such a disgrace …” Her voice trailed off.

  Elizabeth guessed her mother must have walked on into the parlour.

  “Now, off with you, dear girl.”

  Elizabeth widened her eyes. Goodness! Her father would remain safely behind as he sent Elizabeth out to deal with her mother’s wrath alone?

  “The sooner you go, the sooner we can spend time together this evening. Perhaps we can complete the chess game we started last night. I would hate to leave the game unfinished for several weeks as you gallivant around the countryside on your tour of the Lakes.”

  CHAPTER 2

  After completing their business at the dressmaker's shop in Meryton, Elizabeth, her sister Jane, and their mother made a visit at Lucas Lodge, for Mrs. Bennet simply had to explain every detail of Elizabeth’s new gowns to her friend, Lady Lucas.

  As Elizabeth settled into her seat in the Bennet coach for the short drive home, the glare her mother directed at her made her suspect she should have suggested to Jane that they walk the remainder of the way home.

  “Elizabeth Rose Bennet, why must you always cause me so much trouble?”

  Elizabeth furrowed her brow. What have I done this time?

  She looked at Jane, who shrugged her shoulders slightly.

  Once again, Elizabeth met her mother’s gaze. “I do not understand to what you refer, Mama.”

  “You are resolved that I should be thrown out of my home, destined to live amongst the hedgerows when your father dies.” Her mother frowned and fidgeted with her reticule for a moment before looking up again. “For months now, I have not heard one word from Lady Lucas that did not involve her daughter’s new position as your cousin’s bride. I could not be more familiar with every feature of Mrs. Collins’s new home and every one of her duties as a clergyman’s wife if it were I who visited her recently instead of you. Why did you insist on corroborating every detail she boasted about?”

  “I do not understand, Mama. The next time Lady Lucas brings it up, am I to refute her observations? Should I decline to answer?”

  “Of course not, child. That would be rude.” She huffed. “But it is all so irritating. I should be the one crowing over my daughter’s new home, not Lady Lucas.”

  Elizabeth sat back against the seat and allowed her mind to wander as her mother continued to protest being mistreated. She glanced at Jane, who stared out the window, avoiding both of her companions’ gazes.

  The entire family had become quite familiar with these tirades since Elizabeth had refused Mr. Collins’s proposal. Still, there was something more than weariness etched in the lines of Jane’s profile today. There was guilt. Shame. Self-reproach.

  Last autumn, there had been a gentleman of some consequence — a Mr. Henn — visiting one of their neighbours. The circumstance had worried Elizabeth. Jane seemed to have little interest in Mr. Henn, at least not in the way she should have if she were to marry for love and not convenience. However, Elizabeth had not been certain Jane would disobey their mother’s order to accept the offer if he proposed.

  Soon after Mr. Henn’s interest in Jane was apparent, Mr. Collins arrived, declaring the purpose of his visit was to find a wife amongst his cousins. Of course, Jane’s superior beauty drew his attention first, but Mrs. Bennet made short work of redirecting Mr. Collins’s consideration towards her second eldest, Elizabeth. She had fully expected to marry off two of her five daughters within a short time.

  As Elizabeth tried desperately to dissuade Mr. Collins’s attentions, Jane’s would-be suitor became distracted by a lady who suddenly inherited a fortune.

  A single day after Elizabeth’s refusal of her cousin’s offer, which was supported wholeheartedly by her father, Charlotte and Lady Lucas came to call, dashing all of Mrs. Bennet’s hopes, and answering Elizabeth’s prayers. Along with announcing Charlotte’s engagement to the inconstant Mr. Collins, they also passed on the news of Mr. Henn’s betrothal to Miss Gibbs.

  Mrs. Bennet had never fully recovered from the loss of the two gentlemen she hoped to call sons-in-law in one short, quarter-hour visit, especially when both gentlemen married ladies many considered spinsters instead of marrying her own daughters.

  Jane was of such a delicate disposition, she could not have coped with having to hear her mother harp upon the absence of a proposal of marriage from Mr. Henn. Fortunately, as Elizabeth was so accustomed to hearing about her own shortcomings from her mother, the almost constant reproaches barely touched her.

  Even though Jane never mentioned it, not even to Elizabeth, whenever their mother grumbled about Elizabeth’s refusing Mr. Collins, Elizabeth could see that it weighed heavily on her sister. Jane seemed to look upon the continuance of her unattached state as a failure as opposed to an escape from a cold, loveless marriage.

  Therefore, Elizabeth was relieved that her mother concentrated her ire on her refusal of Mr. Collin’s offer instead of blaming Jane for not catching Mr. Henn. It all worked out in the end.

  Elizabeth startled when her mother exclaimed, “Lizzy, pay attention! While you were in Kent, how often did Mr. and Mrs. Collins speak of inheriting Longbourn?”

  “They could hardly bring up the subject in front of me, Mama.”

  “Well, perhaps not, but I am certain they talk of it constantly whenever you are not there. I have heard from others in the neighbourhood that Lady Lucas has boasted of it several times. It is quite beyond me why you did not wish to take my place as mistress of Longbourn when your father is dead. I am certain the Collinses plan to push us out the door the moment Mr. Bennet is cold in his grave. Where will we go? What will we do? I do not know. If my brother does not take us in, we will starve.”

  “Father is quite healthy at the moment.”

  “But that can change at any time. I know. It is what happened to my own father. One day, he was healthy as anyone, and the next, the midwife was preparing him for his funeral. My brother took me in, and it was a good thing, too, because when Mr. Bennet came to Town on business, he was invited to stay with his good friend, my brother. That is how we met. It was a constant worry of mine that he might not remain interested during my mourning period, though he did, thank the good Lord. But Edward has no more single gentleman friends from school for you girls.”

  Elizabeth struggled not to widen her eyes too much at the thought, for if Uncle Edward did have more unmarried friends from school, they would be closer to her father’s age than her own.

  The carriage pulled into Longbourn’s drive. Conversation ceased while the ladies stepped down, entered the house, and allowed the servants to help them from their wraps.

  Elizabeth’s father stepped into the hallway, caught her eye, and displayed an exaggerated smile while gesturing towards her mother.

  Elizabeth shook her head.

  He quickly ducked back into his study.

  Elizabeth bit back a smile as she followed her mother and Jane into the parlour, where her younger sisters were all assembled.

  Mary was bent over a massive tome, her lips moving as she read.
Kitty and Lydia were at a small table, remaking a pair of bonnets.

  “Good morning, Lydia, Kitty,” their mother greeted them. “Mary, sit up straight.”

  Mary did as she was told without looking up from her book. Jane snatched up her embroidery and settled herself on the settee near the window, going to work on it immediately.

  Lydia shot up from her chair. “Mama, why did you not wait for me to awaken before going into Meryton? I wanted to get some new ribbon for my bonnet.”

  Mrs. Bennet smiled widely and produced a packet from her reticule. “Here you are, dearest. I believe it is the exact shade you were looking for.”

  Lydia tore open the paper. Her expression fell. “It is too dark.” She squinted her eyes and tilted her head. “But I suppose I can make use of it.”

  “What about me?” whined Kitty. “I need ribbon, too.”

  “Oh, you can make do from the scrap box, Kitty.” Their mother waved her hand as if shooing away a pesky insect.

  Elizabeth felt a pang of pity for Kitty.

  Mary finally looked up from her book. “One should be thankful for what one has instead of always wishing for more. Envy soils the soul.”

  Kitty stuck her tongue out behind Mary’s back. Jane caught Kitty’s eye and shook her head, scolding.

  Their mother took her usual seat, where she could survey the entire room and lifted a fashion magazine from a table.

  Elizabeth sighed and picked up her own embroidery. She took a seat near Jane.

  Why did their mother do nothing to correct their behaviour? Was she so blind?

  The downstairs maid, Sally, scurried into the room, taking directions from Mrs. Bennet. Elizabeth caught Sally’s eye and smiled as she left the room. Their mother never took into account that servants are people who have feelings.

  Mrs. Bennet lowered her book to her lap. “And another thing, Lizzy.”

  Elizabeth took in a deep breath and looked up from her embroidery.

  “Make good use of this trip with your aunt and uncle,” her mother continued. “Befriend any young lady you meet, for you never know who might be of use to your family. Inquire discreetly about her relations. If you find a lady who has a rich, single brother, ask her to come to stay with us for a few weeks. When her visit is at an end, her brother will surely come to collect her, and I am certain he will fall in love with Jane instantly. For whom could not love Jane?”

  The matron smiled brightly at Jane, then met Elizabeth’s gaze with a frown once more. “Oh, you must do as I say, Lizzy. Do not disobey me again.”

  Elizabeth stiffened and blinked several times. Even the idea of what her mother suggested filled her with distaste. The chances were low that she would even meet a young lady to befriend during her travels, let alone one with a single, wealthy brother.

  Tension drained from the muscles in her shoulders.

  If she did not argue now, life would progress much more smoothly for her father, Jane, and her other sisters while she was gone.

  She nodded her head once to acknowledge hearing her mother’s wishes, at least.

  “What do you think of Mama’s edict that I should find a new friend during my travels — one who has rich, unmarried, male relations?”

  Elizabeth tried to remain still as she watched Jane’s expression in the mirror as she worked. Her sister was much more patient than was Elizabeth, so when Jane offered to braid her hair, Elizabeth agreed. Besides, it was nice to spend some time with her best friend before her trip.

  “She means well, Lizzy.” Jane’s experienced fingers continued to tame Elizabeth’s unruly, waist-long locks.

  As usual, when seeing them both side-by-side in the reflection, Elizabeth marvelled at how different their colouring was. Her own green eyes and dark brown hair were almost opposite to Jane’s pin-straight blonde hair and light-blue eyes. When meeting the Bennets for the first time, many did not even take them for sisters.

  “If I do meet a young lady along the way, shall I ask how many brothers she has and refuse to speak with her again if she has none? And what if she has younger brothers? Or if they are not even as well off as Papa? Shall I turn up my nose at her?”

  Jane giggled. A few moments later, she raised her eyebrows. “I had a dream last night.”

  “Oh? Do tell?”

  Even in the low light of the candle, in the mirror, Elizabeth could see her sister’s blush.

  “In the dream, I met a man with golden hair, lighter in colour even than my own. He was all that was amiable and the most handsome man I had ever seen. He was everything a gentleman should be. And I – I thought perhaps he cared for me.”

  “If he had any intelligence at all, he would. You are the sweetest lady who has ever lived, Jane, and the most beautiful in all of England. If you showed even the slightest bit of encouragement, I am sure he would fall madly in love with you in an instant.”

  Jane’s blush deepened. “Should I, Lizzy?”

  Elizabeth raised both eyebrows. “Should you what, dear?”

  Jane bit her bottom lip. “Encourage a gentleman’s attention before I am certain whether I am interested in him?”

  Elizabeth pondered the question for a few moments before answering. “Charlotte has said she learned from observing others’ behaviour that a lady must indicate her interest in a gentleman as soon as can be, for a man will never feel confident in his perception of her feelings unless she is rather obvious. She also told me that doing so moves him from like to love almost instantly, and from love to an offer of marriage soon after.” Elizabeth paused. “I always thought her theory was ridiculous. In my opinion, a lady should first get to know him better to ascertain whether she really likes the gentleman before putting herself forward, for everyone is on their best behaviour when they first meet. But since Charlotte is the only one of us who is married, mayhap she was correct after all.”

  Elizabeth laughed, but it faded quickly when she noticed Jane barely smiled. Had she upset her sister?

  The plait finished, Elizabeth held the end as Jane tied a ribbon around it.

  Jane said, “I would not wish to be labelled a flirt. But…”

  “Do what makes you comfortable, Jane. Remember, Charlotte has always felt differently than we — for years, she has believed that happiness in marriage depends upon chance. Her conviction that a lady should consider only the degree of expected comfort and protection she would gain when she married and not take into account affection, proves she was never a romantic, as are you and I.” Elizabeth turned to face her sister.

  Jane moved towards the bed and wrapped an arm around the bedpost, hugging it to her side. “But Lizzy, what if—” She inhaled a trembling breath. “Would you hate me if I told you I was beginning to think that Charlotte’s view of marriage might be better than ours? It is certainly more practical than waiting for a love match.”

  Elizabeth stared at her sister for a moment. “What do you mean? We have both always sworn we would marry only for the greatest mutual affection.”

  “Up until recently, I wished to marry a man I loved and who loved me — one I respected above all others — but now, I am beginning to think more realistically.”

  Elizabeth’s chest tightened. She opened her mouth to speak, but Jane began again.

  “As soon as Charlotte and Miss Gibbs were married, our neighbours began to stare at me as they whispered to each other. It led me to consider…” Jane furrowed her brow. “Part of my mind has decided that if any man offers for me, I must accept.”

  “Really, Jane! You can do so much better than to settle.”

  Jane looked at her directly in the eyes. “Lizzy, I am approaching three and twenty. The women of the neighbourhood are saying that I will soon be a spinster, if they have not already labelled me as such. No man has ever proposed to me — not even one. There is no guarantee that anyone ever will. Has it never occurred to you that gentlemen might have been persuaded against asking one of my sisters to marry them because I — the eldest — have no prospects?” J
ane took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I think that is why Mama insisted all her daughters should be out at the same time. She was the younger daughter, after all, and was forced to wait until our Aunt Phillips married before she even debuted into society.”

  Elizabeth was speechless. It was true, she had never thought of any of this, but Jane could not give up her dream of marrying for love!

  “At times, I am confused.” Jane walked to the window and looked up at the stars for several moments before turning back. “And yet, at other times, part of my mind is relieved that Mr. Henn was interested in me when Mr. Collins came to visit last year and also that Mr. Henn’s attentions ended in nothing. After seeing how Papa stood behind your refusal of Mr. Collins, I know he wishes for all of his daughters to be happy in marriage instead of marrying for convenience. If someone I did not like was to ask me now, I would feel more comfortable refusing him, even if it meant I might never marry.”

  Elizabeth let out a breath she had unconsciously been holding. She rose and embraced Jane. “I am so happy to hear at least part of your mind is sensible. Promise me you will listen to that second portion, dear. You deserve love.”

  Jane pulled away and met Elizabeth’s gaze. “We both do.”

  “Jane, I know it is not proper to ask this question, but I must…. if Mr. Collins had asked you to marry him instead of asking me, would you have accepted?”

  Jane looked away. “In all honesty, I might have, though only after a great deal of soul searching.”

  “Dearest, your happiness is important.”

  “As is yours, Lizzy; therefore, I want to make certain you know that, even if I have to listen to Mama speak of it until her dying breath, I am glad you refused Mr. Collins. I know how miserable you would have been married to a man you could not respect.”

  Elizabeth nodded. “I would much rather be a spinster aunt to all my sisters’ children than marry a man I did not love with my whole heart, forever.”